Editor’s note: “A Decade of Letters Between Two Ordinary Women” is a compilation of correspondence between “CactusLovesWater” and “Wu Shiqi,” the pen names of two women who met as graduate students in Shanghai before going their separate ways: the former returned to her native Shanxi province to become a Chinese teacher; the latter moved to Beijing as a writer and illustrator.

In their letters, dated 2012 to 2022, they speak openly about every aspect of their lives, supporting each other through challenges and changes. Here, Sixth Tone presents eight of these letters.

August 29, 2015
From: Wu Shiqi

I saw the message from Liangliang (Editor’s note: CactusLovesWater’s husband) on WeChat and learned that you brought your little princess into the world. I can imagine the two of you right now, your heart bursting with love for her as you hold her in your arms.

This year, I came across a job listing for a Waldorf teacher in Dali (in the southwestern Yunnan province). At the time, Beijing’s subway was packed, and air pollution was off the charts. Spending my days standing in line with a mask over my face made me nearly lose all faith in life. Then this job listing in Yunnan appeared, and it almost gave me the courage to send in my résumé.

But then I thought: In Beijing, there are so many publishing companies, so many opportunities to learn, and so many excellent publishers I haven’t even met yet. If I moved to a different city and found I couldn’t adapt, there would be no going back. But if I don’t change, my life will be stuck in one place.

After dinner, when I returned home and looked up at our window from the street, I couldn’t help but think: If I really leave Beijing, I might never find a suitable roommate again, or such a lovely little place. Even though I don’t really like Beijing, when faced with such a decision, I find myself reluctant to let go of so many things. Every time I think about running away, while dozing on the subway, I find myself remembering my proud and charming colleagues. … If I leave, I wonder if I’ll ever have such interesting colleagues again. I think I’m not yet at the point of being fed up with Beijing.

Sending my best wishes to you and your little princess. Please give her a kiss from me.

See you during the Mid-Autumn Festival.

November 30, 2015
From: CactusLovesWater

I just saw your letter and realized it’s been a long time since you sent it. After reading it, I envied you. What you describe as reluctance is actually your reward. Even though these precious memories are not deposit slips, they are just as worth preserving. There’s always something valuable in life, as long as you know how to appreciate it. You will always meet like-minded people and experience pleasant things. Of course, if you care enough, there will also be moments that drive you crazy.

We’re both conservative. It’s not so much that we’re attached to the present, but rather that we fear the future and change. The truth is that it’s better to follow the thoughts that move you forward than the ones that hold you back. I wouldn’t exactly say that we should be bolder — it’s more that we should be more relaxed in the face of uncertainty, especially in your case.

Don’t overthink things. For most people, it’s just a job change. In fact, it really is just a job change.

December 12, 2016
From: Wu Shiqi

Recently, I’ve become fond of an interesting person who’s been very attentive. I can’t help but feel attached to him, eagerly hoping he’ll reach out to me more.

Looking back on my own experiences with love, I’ve had moments of mutual affection, but I really didn’t understand anything then. I was confident and carefree, and like some strange form of youthful rebellion, I stubbornly rejected the possibility of a relationship. In hindsight, it seems more like emotional immaturity. I wanted to leave the other person with only perfect memories — rather than let them live with imperfect memories, I’d choose not to be with them, to avoid even starting anything.

Later, when I finally gathered the courage to love, I couldn’t avoid the exhausting doubts and calculations — how could I not be calculating? One has to consider one’s self-respect, the sacrifices, the time, and the energy spent. But this approach doesn’t turn out well.

I want to learn how to love, but I don’t know how. And that is what makes me sad.

December 18, 2016
From: CactusLovesWater

I do think you have some fear of believing in love and a fear of being controlled by another person. But these are things I struggle with too, and it’s not just in love. I don’t really know why, but I’ve never been someone who knows how to love. In this regard, it seems we’re not as brave as Liangliang. He’s able to openly express his love, both with me and with our daughter.

Your strength lies in your excellent judgment and your understanding of what interests you.

We’re not particularly proactive people, and our personalities are a bit quirky. My colleagues have seen your photos and say you’re beautiful and cute, but in person, you’re still reserved. Maybe that’s something that makes others hold back.

Even if you don’t dare believe in love, love is actually all around us. Simply respecting love is also a form of love. What’s meant to come will come — perhaps not in the way or time we expect, but it’s still better than being stuck in some relationship thinking that’s what love is. What I love about you is your self-discipline and your ability to not be blindly swept along with the crowd.

Every person’s strengths inevitably come with their flaws. We can’t be too harsh on ourselves. But you can definitely be more confident. I think all of these issues are part of a long, ongoing process of personal growth. Love is just one part of it.

Maybe you should focus less on these abstract concerns and try things like wearing makeup, working out, or exploring things you haven’t tried before. Those might bring you something worthwhile. To solve any problem, you need to make an effort. I think love’s lessons work the same way.

August 12, 2018
From: CactusLovesWater

After reading your letter, I realize that I’ve been feeling unhappy lately. Your words made me think of my time working in Shanghai; all the frustration and sense of defeat came rushing back. I once thought of myself as a very creative person, which is why I chose to work in advertising, but the entire process was a long journey of self-denial. It’s one thing if my work efficiency is low — I’m naturally a slow person — but what really hurt was that I had no ideas at all. My ability to express myself through words was so weak. Even though I talk a lot, whenever I had to communicate with clients, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Even with a great boss, I still felt like each day dragged on forever.

In my current job, even in this small office in a small school in a small county, I’ve met several people who are so much better than me. They juggle multiple roles with ease and composure.

I don’t feel jealous, but I do feel a deep sense of envy. I envy them and I envy you. I envy your courage to persevere.

I’m not like you. I’ve already given up on life. These days, I probably spend less time thinking in a year than you do in a month. I’m a person who constantly disengages, someone who withdraws when things get tough. Any degree of effort exhausts me, and when I do manage to start working on something, I’m aimless and sluggish. I don’t really hate myself for this, it’s more like I’ve grown used to the long-term disappointment. Now I just accept that this is how I am.

But because I no longer feel the pressure from work, I find that when I write now, I have more control than before. This has made me realize that I’ve always had a childish mentality. I can play around, but when I have to bear the consequences alone, I’m no match for them. I can’t handle pressure. I’m also someone who easily gets trapped in emotions, finding it hard to solve real-life problems with rationality and calmness. I tend to magnify conflicts. With these two flaws, I also tend to be self-righteous and critical of others.

Recently, all sorts of little problems have forced me to face the truth about myself. I need to sort myself out. If I don’t, I’ll be left with far too many regrets.

I want to learn from you — I can’t just sit here and wait for things to happen.

August 15, 2018
From: Wu Shiqi

I haven’t been very happy lately either. The work issues are secondary, because I’ve learned to push forward with what I can do and quickly decide not to proceed with what I can’t. If I can, I can; if I can’t, I can’t. Problems at work are relatively straightforward and easy to resolve. There’s not much to dwell on.

The real problems are life problems. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. Recently, our arguments have become more frequent. We don’t see eye to eye on lifestyle, aesthetics, or spending. Of course, every time we fight, I think I’m right, and he thinks he’s right. We often end up arguing over small things, and even if we compromise afterward, it’s never willingly — there are always lingering resentments that only breed new conflicts. Over the past six months, I’ve been feeling so tired. Every conversation feels incomplete. Often, he can’t understand what I’m saying, and I can’t grasp what he’s saying. During our arguments, I feel like we’re speaking different languages. It leaves me feeling powerless. What’s the point of living together like this?

I wonder if it’s because I was spoiled when I was with you. Even though we had our differences, there always seemed to be endless things to talk about. You understood what I said, and I understood what you said (at least, that’s how it felt at the time). Although we eventually parted ways, that time is something I’ll always cherish. I haven’t met anyone like you since. Occasionally, I meet new friends I click with, but who can compare to you from back then?

My boyfriend and I have had many sweet moments together. But when these issues come up, I start to doubt myself. Maybe I got used to living alone. When I’m by myself, I feel lonely and want his company; when he’s with me, we have few things to talk about, and our views don’t align.

I haven’t properly painted since being with him. Recently, I picked up my paintbrush and tried painting a few T-shirts, but they all turned out badly, and my imagination is fading. I know I shouldn’t complain about life wearing me down — it’s really my lack of persistence. If I truly wanted to do something, I’d find a way to make it happen. But I still feel so frustrated.

I just opened the window. After all these hot days in Beijing, I finally felt the fall breeze today. Love you.

May 9, 2020
From: CactusLovesWater

Yesterday afternoon, while I was teaching an online class, I suddenly noticed how beautiful the clouds outside the window were. So I told my students, “The clouds outside are so beautiful. Let me take a picture and share it with you.”

The students eagerly approved. When I finished taking the picture and returned, there were many photos in the group chat — all kinds of pictures of clouds outside the students’ windows. Their photos were all different, and all better than mine. We went through them one by one, chatting about how each one looked: This one had a sci-fi feel, that one looked like a dragon. I said, “I feel like we’ve just flown around the sky.” Before we knew it, we were halfway through class.

When the class ended, the students didn’t want to log off, and we ended up chatting together. When the topic turned to travel, I shared our experience in Xi’an (in the northwestern Shaanxi province), and they told me about their trips. One student strongly recommended Qingdao (in the eastern Shandong province) and even added me on WeChat to send me four photos of the city. One of them showed a bright blue sky with seagulls spreading their wings, soaring so freely. Suddenly, I really wanted to visit Qingdao.

December 30, 2021
From: Wu Shiqi

I’ve been so exhausted lately. There’s always something that needs to be done, all waiting for me to finish it.

The copywriting was rejected, and the initial design draft didn’t go over well with anyone. I’ll put it off until after the New Year holiday. No point in stressing myself or the designer out — everyone should just enjoy the holiday. Even the most urgent matters aren’t urgent in these few days of the year.

Today, I took a break and went to see an exhibition by Marc Chagall. But honestly, the curators here are getting worse! The ticket was more than 70 yuan ($10), and I went to see Chagall, the master of color, only to find that half the exhibition was devoted to Chagall’s black-and-white illustrations for “Fables of La Fontaine.” I’m no highbrow connoisseur, but I was really hoping to see some of his colorful, lively classics, and there wasn’t a single one. Next year, I’m refusing to go see any exhibitions; they’re all scams.

The biggest change in this second half of the year is that I’ve started buying secondhand clothes and used household items. I got a computer stand, a jacket, three warm pairs of winter pants, and two canvas bags online. The combined cost was about the same as a new winter jacket. My boyfriend fully supports this, saying I’m practicing low-consumption living.

Yesterday, we also watched a segment from Stanley Kubrick’s movie “Barry Lyndon.” Lately, I’ve been completely obsessed with Kubrick. His films are so captivating. Humanity is lucky to have had him. Any time I spend not working feels so serene. Even if I just waste the time, I waste it in such serenity. I really wish I could retire earlier.

Maybe I’m just tired, maybe I’m getting old, but I’m really looking forward to going home and taking time off. My mindset has changed a lot. Things that I used to care about so much don’t seem as important anymore — it’s just a job, just a way to pay the bills. I’m less interested in fighting with myself now. If I have something, I have it; if I don’t, I don’t. I’ve become lazier in trying to achieve things because I feel like I don’t have the energy anymore. I just want to pass the days. The only thing I still feel some passion for is painting.

I really want to go home.

This article, translated by Carrie Davies, is an excerpt from “A Decade of Letters Between Two Ordinary Women,” published by Shanghai Literature and Art Publishing House in July. It is republished here with permission.

Editors: Wang Juyi and Hao Qibao.

(Header image: Shijue/VCG, reedited by Sixth Tone)